There is something about living with anxiety that cannot be perfectly portrayed via blogging or publishing a personal diary, almost impossible to express with words. There are times when it comes about unannounced as if it is saying you forgot me for some time but now that I am here, I will ensure that you never ignore me again. Hitting the blues as some people might call it, this feeling is more than just having a bad day. Anybody can have a depressive day, weighed down by deadlines or something that is unrolling within the family. Everybody is susceptible to run into a couple of days of a bad mood, but when you start feeling uncomfortable, when you are asleep and awake, despite nothing in your regular schedule going horribly wrong, you know anxiety is taking over. I wonder if people talk about this, and most importantly, acknowledge it.
Sometimes, I feel women get small leverage from their otherwise complex and very demanding bodily constitution. The urban mindset largely understands that for a few days in a month women can get highly irritable, most likely to snap or they just might get too reserved, as if they always wanted to live alone in an igloo. The concept of "that time of the month" has been here for some time and people have become far more informed or at least well-mannered enough to acknowledge it and give women the space they need during this "period". In comparison, my bad days are very hard to talk about and even harder to explain. Elders in the family can say that fundamentally, I don't qualify to worry about anything since more than sufficient fixed deposits have been put in place, with my name clearly filled in the nomination section. You cannot fight this logic, and if you try to do it, you really cannot win the argument. It seems the odds are stacked against explaining to anybody that this feeling of being unsettled and emotionally exhausted is not your typical definition of Stress. This is just like a bout of bad mental health but it will be largely interpreted as being stressed despite having a life partner, child, job, and the comfort of your own home and a financial lineage.
While I am doing the daily chores, answering calls, and typing out emails at the speed of light, one part of my mind is also wondering if the childhood OCD has finally gone or did it manage to stimulate some sort of obsessive personality disorder? On such days, even when shopping online, Google searches can also route towards finding the best and easiest ways to boost dopamine or reading about the struggles of people who have been diagnosed with ADHD [adults], or worse, reading about bipolairsm. When such days are underway, I wonder can we make people understand that this is something like the flu of the mind? It won't last for too many days but while it does, I will not have a runny nose or a heated forehead but I will feel diseased. Taking a vacation or driving to some idyllic destination isn't always an option, sometimes it just isn't feasible. Instead, I will hope for a meal or two to be served in bed, and perhaps, even when applying for a short leave or full-day leave from the workplace, I can actually say, "Sir, I am mentally exhausted and need a small break".
In comparison, women are hopefully taking the advantage of clubbing their pre-qualified "down" days with a mental health break. If you are a lady out there, and you are not using your time of the month to take a backseat, catch a breath, get some massages, and vent, SHAME ON YOU! While men will never have the access to what can be described as Mental Menstruation, you can use the hormonal and biological menstrual days to take a psychological break and reboot your mental reserves, demanding the space you need, just gathering your thoughts and systematically, obliterating the toxic ones - letting them "bleed out" seems like the right thing to do, just for the sake of regaining your mental composure. When one of the genders has something working in its favor, in terms of social acceptance/recognition, at least use it properly rather than trying to be brave about it.